Lasting Consequences
by itainthardtryin
Summary: Santana can't take it any more and decides to put an end to the pain. What does she leave behind? One shot. Warning: suicidal themes.


**This was written to coincide with National Suicide Prevention Week. If you are feeling down and you need to talk please don't suffer in silence, call one of these numbers. You are not alone, I promise.  
><strong>**The Trevor Project (USA) - 866-488-7386 ****  
><strong>**Samaritans (UK) - 08457 90 90 90 ****  
><strong>**Samaritans (Ireland) - 1850 60 90 90**

Santana had had enough. She'd come through the door and ran straight up to her room before bursting into tears. Every day in school was the same. Ever since they found out about her and Brittany, she was constantly being called a dyke or the girls would purposely avoid her, joking that they didn't want her coming on to them. Karofsky didn't hold back just because Santana was a girl. He had no moral code when it came to bullying – he believed in equality, so physically hurting a girl meant nothing to him. He'd pushed Santana up against the lockers a few times, and even slapped her once in the middle of the corridor when she tried to defend herself. No-one said anything to the teachers though for fear of him starting on them too, so all the incidents went unreported.

When Santana told her parents she was being bullied for being gay they just laughed. They said that there was always going to be people who disagreed with her life choice and she was just going to have to cope with it. She should be proud of who she is and not let a few people bring her down. The problem was that Santana _was _proud, but she just couldn't cope with people being in her face all the time and judging her for loving someone with all her heart.

She knew that this was it. She couldn't take any more. Brittany was much stronger than her emotionally. She knew that if she called Britt right now that she'd just have some words about how she'll get through this and how she's always going to be by her side. Santana hated herself for this, but sometimes Britt being at her side wasn't always enough. She just wanted to be treated the same way as every other couple in the school, and that was never going to happen.

Santana had always kept a few bottles of vodka hidden in her room for times when Puck called an impromptu party and she needed alcohol. She also kept a plentiful stash of painkillers, because at the end of the day not only was she a girl, but she was a girl who had a rigorous cheerleading schedule to keep to, and therefore for one reason or another she was usually in pain every day.

She started drinking the vodka straight; if she was going to do this she needed a bit of dutch courage first. When her head started to spin slightly she felt the false confidence wash over her and she knew that this was it. This was where it all ended. She took the painkillers out of their packaging and started downing them one by one. She almost laughed at how easy it was. She kept going until both vodka and painkillers were finished. Then she just started to wait. Eventually, they had the desired affect and Santana took her final breath, to which she was the only witness.

* * *

><p>Brittany hadn't been the same since she found out. How could she be? She and Santana had been pretty much attached at the hip. They were never seen apart. They completed each other and one without the other was devastating.<p>

Quinn held Brittany as she cried in her arms. The funeral had been difficult for everyone, but Brittany took it especially hard. She didn't understand why Santana had wanted to die. She didn't understand why Santana didn't think she was enough. She didn't understand why all the people who bullied her into this were now the people standing beside her grave mourning their loss. There were a lot of things that Brittany didn't understand about this.

"Quinn, it's my fault isn't it?" Brittany said as the tears kept making their way down her cheeks. "I wasn't there for her. I forced her to make us public and I thought she would be okay with people making fun of her sometimes because she's strong... well, I thought she was strong..." she trailed off.

"Brittany don't you ever, ever blame yourself for this, you hear me?" Quinn raised her hand to Brittany's cheek and wiped away the tears there. "None of us seen this coming, there's nothing you could have done to change it. Her mind was made up. We don't know why, but at least she's not hurting any more Britt. But please, just remember that this was not your fault."

"I can't though!" Britt screamed back. "Quinn, I just keep seeing everything in my head and what I could have done differently! Karofsky made her life hell and I just stood back and let it happen because she said she was protecting _me. _I should have been the one protecting _her!_ No-one ever said a word to any of our teachers for fear of being hurt, but Quinn..." Brittany was speaking almost silently now. "This... this hurts more than anything."

Quinn didn't know what to say. She knew Brittany was right. She knew that there were so many things that she could have done to prevent this. She knew that if she'd just told a teacher or stood up to Karofsky or just even made the slightest fucking effort to be a friend to Santana, that she wouldn't be standing here now with Brittany crying uncontrollably into her shoulder as they stood beside her grave. Quinn couldn't be strong any more. She joined Brittany in letting the guilt sweep over her and they held each other so tightly, scared that if they let go they'd forget that they weren't alone.

* * *

><p>Sue was proud of her squad for making it this far. Nationals. They were almost certain to win and Sue would never admit it, but she was getting attached to these kids and appreciated their talent.<p>

It was half an hour before the Cheerios were due to perform, so Sue decided to check out the competition while she waited. Watching from the back of the hall, she admired the rival squads and their choreography. Then something caught her eye that made her heart stop. She had to take a second glance, and that's when she felt defeated. The squad currently rehearsing in front of her had a black haired latina girl as their main focus. For a moment, Sue swore it was Santana and her heart skipped a beat, before reality came crashing back down again.

She sat down and put her head in her hands. Sue wasn't one for showing emotion but Santana's death had impacted her more than she let on. It had been a year and seeing that girl in the rival squad made Sue think about where her squad would be if Santana had still been alive. She had always favoured Santana and couldn't fault her ability as head cheerleader. The entire squad respected Santana, even if sometimes their respect was shown as fear. Out of everyone though, Sue respected Santana the most. She could see that she was a natural leader, as well as being naturally talented at cheerleading. Sue did everything in her power to keep Santana on her squad and everything in her power to let Santana's talents shine through. She didn't, however, do everything in her power to support Santana through difficult times, and for that she never forgave herself.

* * *

><p>"We're going to be late if you don't hurry up! Are you ready yet?"<p>

"No daddy, can you tie my laces for me please?"

"Of course baby, but now that you're a big girl you're going to have to learn to do it yourself soon."

It was Beth's first day at kindergarten and to say that Puck was proud would be an understatement. He and Quinn weren't together, but she'd decided to keep the baby and he had free access whenever he liked. If Puck was being honest with himself, he really should just have stayed with Quinn because he spent almost every day at her house anyway with Beth. He tied her shoes, before grabbing her schoolbag and taking her by the hand for the walk to school.

When they got to class, Puck kissed Beth on the forehead and told her that he was proud of her and he loved her, before letting her head into the room. He watched from the door as she sat down at her designated table and immediately started making friends. He'd deny it if you asked him, but he shed a tear at how perfect his daughter had grown to be.

On his way home he was lost in his thoughts. His mind drifted back to 6 years ago when he found out he was going to be a dad. Everyone had judged him and told Quinn that it would be useless to try to raise a child with him because he'd only let it down. Only one person had faith in him and that person wasn't even here now to see his daughter grow up. Santana, from day one, had always told Puck that he was going to be an amazing dad and to just have faith in himself. It was only because of her that he had the confidence to ask Quinn to let them raise their child instead of putting it up for adoption, and he was forever thankful to Santana for that. He had the most perfect daughter he could ever ask for and he had shocked everyone by being an absolutely perfect dad. He knew that Santana would be looking down on him and would be proud.

But... no. No, this wasn't right. Santana shouldn't be _looking down_ on him. She should be here beside him, laughing as he struggled through changing diapers and how he always made dinner time into a game so Beth would eat or how he would always take on an extra shift when he had time just so he could treat Beth to a new toy or take her out for the day. No, Santana should have been here with him. They were like brother and sister. They understood each other when no-one else did... only Puck knew that he clearly didn't understand Santana as much as he thought.

He thought back to the day Quinn gave birth and he stood there frozen, because the reality of having a child was here and it terrified him. Santana was there by his side immediately, reassuring him that she would be there every step of the way. She'd promised him that she'd be there for everything, but she wasn't. Puck felt anger swelling up inside him, anger that he hadn't felt for a while. He just wanted Santana to be here. He would do anything to bring her back.

* * *

><p>Quinn was starting to hit that 'mid-life crisis' point, where she started using online dating. Don't ask her how it happened but suddenly she had a profile and matches and now here she was sitting across a table from a 30 something tall, dark and handsome man and she was beginning to see the rewards of her actions. Being 37 and a single mother with a 20 year old was embarrassing – she needed to meet 'the one'. She stopped waiting for fate and took matters into her own hands.<p>

As they were leaving she got up and opened her purse to pay for her half of the meal, but her date protested. He looked at her purse with great interest, especially at the photos she had on display.

"I thought you said you only had one daughter?" he questioned, looking at the two separate pictures. One of a blonde girl laughing, and the other of a dark haired girl smiling beside a boy with a mohawk.

Quinn's breath hitched in her throat. "I – I do. This is Beth" – she pointed to the picture of her daughter – "And this is Puck and S-Santana," pointing to the picture beside it. "He's Beth's dad and she was my best friend in high school."

He looked at her confused, wondering why she had a picture of someone she was best friends with over 20 years ago still in her purse. He didn't question it though, and Quinn began to breathe again.

When she got home that night she was thankful that Beth was staying at Puck's and she had the apartment to herself. She immediately went to the closet and took out the box of things that she kept hidden away out of sight. Yearbooks, photographs, birthday cards, Christmas cards. In that one box was everything she owned that had Santana in it. She looked down at the photos of herself, Santana and Brittany and smiled to herself through her tears as she remembered the good times. She took out her yearbook and went straight to the back page, reading what Santana had wrote:

_Q, have a good summer and practise hard – I didn't spend weeks teaching you all my tips and tricks just for you to not even make the squad again next year! oh, and keep berry away from me til September – i don't think i can cope with her over summer. Love you :) xx _

Quinn read those words over and over again. She didn't even need to read them because she had already memorised them, but just seeing Santana's handwriting again made her heart break. Even now, 21 years later, Quinn cherished these memories like nothing else. She'd promised herself never to forget Santana, and she always made a conscious effort to keep her memory alive. It had taken Quinn one, maybe two, years before she could properly talk about Santana and her death without breaking down. Talking about it got easier, but the emotion was still there and Quinn was sure that a part of her died along with Santana that day.

Quinn spent the rest of the night going through all her photographs and cards and laughing to herself when she remembered what Santana's smile looked like, what her voice sounded like and what her arms felt like wrapped around her in a hug. Quinn couldn't help but wonder who Santana would be now if she was still here. Santana had always dreamt big. She wanted out of Lima more than anyone. She wanted to make something of herself. It broke Quinn's heart to know that she never got to see Santana achieve her dreams.

* * *

><p>Santana flicked through channels on the TV, but when she decided there was nothing decent to watch, she settled for the news. She was half paying attention, half falling asleep when suddenly her attention was fully on the reporter in front of her:<p>

"_Students at William McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio were mourning today as they lost a student to suicide. The 16 year old student, was reportedly a victim of homophobic bullying at the school and the school has now put new anti-bullying policies in place..." _

Her heart stopped. She sat upright and stared at the screen, only really taking in a few words. That story hit far too close to home. Her old school. Her old situation. Her old feelings. This person was 16 year old Santana. She looked at the images in front of her – students crying, teachers saying that they are now doing everything in their power to stop bullying, strangers laying flowers.

That could have been her. Santana thought back to that night when she'd given up hope. She was so close to ending all of her pain for good, but when she started downing the vodka she started crying. She didn't want to die. She wanted help. She had went online and found a helpline number and she called it without second thought. She wanted to talk to someone but she didn't want to worry her parents or Brittany or anyone else for that matter. She cried down the phone that night for hours on end. At first she felt stupid, but eventually she realised that they understood how she felt. They didn't tell her to just get over it. They listened to her and they helped her talk through her emotions. Santana felt safe after that phone call. The next day, she went to Miss. Pillsbury and told her everything.

Her heart broke for all those people in Lima who had just lost someone they loved but right now in this moment, Santana was overcome with relief. Relief that she hadn't gone through with it all those years ago. She looked over at the kitchen where Brittany stood clearing up after dinner and she smiled to herself. They'd made it. On that night when everything seemed to be wrong in the world, Santana never imagined that she'd be sitting here now, 30 years later and still be with Brittany. Not only was she still _with_ Brittany, but she was _married_ to Brittany. Santana then looked at the photos above their fireplace. Their wedding day. Them with their newborn son, Tyler. Tyler's graduation. The Glee club reunion at Rachel's after show party of her Broadway debut. Them with Quinn and Puck at Beth's Christening. Santana took a moment to appreciate how much she would have missed out on in life and struggled to keep herself from crying.

The reporter on the TV kept talking and Santana was still only picking up a few words here and there but again she froze as related to the story too much:

"_If there is anyone out there who is currently the victim of homophobic bullying who feels like they need to talk, call The Trevor Project on __866-488-7386. The Trevor Project have also been running a suicide prevention campaign for the past 30 years, called "It Gets Better", details can be found on their website."_

And in that moment Santana swore that those words were the truest words she'd ever heard. It gets better.


End file.
